Getting Ready to Say Goodbye to a Loved One

“There are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.” ~ Dr. Ira Byock, author of Dying Well.

Mary never tells her dad she loves him. Rick has said some things to his wife he wished he hadn’t. June and her sister have never gotten along. Nina’s carrying around guilt over something that happened between her and her best friend. Mary, Rick, June, and Nina all have one thing in common. They’re going to lose a person they love. And they’re not ready.      

While no one would choose a terminal diagnosis for someone they love, a drawn-out death offers what a sudden death cannot—time to say goodbye. There’s no doubt these conversations may be some of the hardest you’ll ever have. But deciding to have them anyway can bring peace and closure to you and the dying person and leave you both without regrets.  

What to Expect Near the End 

As you start thinking about losing someone you love, knowing what to expect can take away some fear of the unknown. It can also give you a rough idea of how much time you have left to say goodbye. 

When someone moves into what doctors call “actively dying” and has no medical intervention, they go through 3 stages of death. The process can last as little as 24 hours or longer than 14 days. 

The stages can look like this: 

Early stage: 

• can no longer get out of bed
• doesn’t want to or can’t eat and drink
• sleeps a lot
• has delirium (confusion, hallucinations, restlessness, short attention span)

Middle stage: 

• sleeps most of the time
• harder to wake up 
• can’t swallow
• has a “death rattle” sound when breathing  

Late stage: 

• can fall into a coma 
• may run a fever 
• has irregular breathing; sometimes stops breathing 
• arms and legs can look mottled or blotchy  

Why You Need to Say Goodbye to Your Loved One

When someone dies unexpectedly, you may struggle with regrets over what you said or didn’t say and what you did or didn’t do. With a terminal diagnosis, that doesn’t have to happen. You have an opportunity to end things between you and the dying person the way you’d both like. 

Here are some things you might want to do:   

• talk through unresolved issues or conflicts 
• make amends for something you might’ve done 
• let go of resentments you’re holding against them
• work to heal any old wounds either of you is hanging onto 
• bring up good memories you share
• share your appreciation for who they were to you and the impact they had on your life

Dr. Ira Byock wrote a book called Dying Well. As a hospice advocate, he believes there are certain words you and your dying loved one should exchange while you can.  

These are some things you might want to say: 

• I love you
• I forgive you
• Forgive me
• Thank you
• Goodbye

Why Your Loved One Needs to Hear You Say Goodbye to Them

Sometimes, a dying person will cling to life when they believe the people who love them aren’t ready for them to go. They may also be afraid or struggle with what they’re leaving behind or what they’re about to face. Reassuring them can bring the relief and release they need. It can also bring you both comfort. 

Here are some things a dying person might need to hear:

• It’s okay to go when you’re ready.
• Don’t be afraid.
• I’ll be all right without you.
• I’ll take care of the things you’re worried about leaving behind.

The chance to say goodbye is a gift. Moving forward with no regrets after your loved one’s death is also a gift. You’ll never be sorry for using the time you have left with them to work things out, say what needs to be said, or tell them how much they mean to you.

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